I’ve been feeling lost, so these are just my ramblings… i don’t know if they will make sense and i will probably be jumping all over the place.
Sometimes i feel so much responsibility on my shoulders, it stresses me out. i have 3 children that i run about for, and i have been trying to start my own business in my field. It started out great but then became very slow, the economy is not helping one bit, but this week popped for me. (i hope it continues) The daily chores of the house have fallen behind. i am feeling the squeeze financially and it always stresses me out more than usual. i’ve put on a few pounds over the winter, 15 to be exact. i don’t feel sexy very often. i feel depressed and scared. Maybe that is why i woke up crying that night. It’s not been easy for me to talk about it either, and really i know i can talk to Daddy about anything and everything, but i hold it in.
To be honest, I’ve not behaved very well lately and i am ashamed. For some reason, not sure what brought it on but feelings of insecurity have surfaced. Really, i have no reason to feel that way. Trust… trust… something that has not been easy for me to give in past … and it seems lately i am struggling. It’s not that i don’t want to trust… i do… so very much. Letting go of past pain is so hard and clouds your mind. i need to cleanse my mind i think. i need to feel grateful for the things i do have and not focus so much on the negative thoughts of how things are going. i am allowing the outside influences of the world (stresses of day to day living) cloud all that is really good in my life.
my Daddy loves me more than anyone has ever loved me before, of all the people in my life, next to my mother, He is definitely on my side… and yet i keep thinking one day He is going to think He wants out of this… this mess … because that is how i have been feeling. i’m not bringing in the income i know that i have the potential to bring in but as i said previously my field of work is taking a hit from the economy. i go to school, get a degree and now i feel like i am drowning. Do i need to get a different job and give up this quest of having my own business? i really don’t know what to do… i feel lost and confused.
my submission is not where it should be either, i seem to be struggling there as well. It’s not always easy taking care of 3 children who make demands on you, work in the field that i do (taking care of others) and i feel like i am not taking care of my Daddy as i should be…. that i am failing and that He will look for someone who can take care of Him the way He needs. So i am not trusting in the love that we have… that just hit me just now. i feel ashamed for thinking that… Us… who would have people look at us, as we are so lost in one another… The couple that a man approached at a restaurant and says to us “He handles you well… You can tell He loves you very much.” i want that couple back, but really that couple is right here. That couple has not gone anywhere… its the day to day stresses that cloud over that couple… but then it’s only me that allows there to be a cloud. i can’t seem to see through that cloud somedays…
i am lost.