Diary of a Daddy’s girl

So lately i have been dealing with some major insecurity issues, of course they are magnified when i pms. It’s horrible. i have a fear of abandonment.

So this morning, after getting kids off to school, i was having my morning cup of coffee, Daddy sleeping in. i turned on a movie called “Evening”, about a dying woman slipping in and out of consciousness, and her two grown daughters are with her. She says a man’s name, and the daughter’s ask who he is? She replied with “My first mistake… it’s like remembering your first kiss… you remember your first mistake.” i thought wow, is that ever true.

my first mistake? i was 18, started my first job right out of high school… he was 4 yrs older than me. i worked in the office and he was in the front end of the store. After a few months of working, he offered to do some work on my car… i took it to his house and that’s how it began. i lost my virginity to that man, not that day, but a few months later. We carried on for 2 years, and he had other girls, (one girl was even someone i knew) i stayed faithful. i remember it was a very hurtful time, i thought i loved this man, and he kept his distance, never committing, but silly me, i hung on and hoped he would love me. He never did… i was convenient. i became pregnant, and when i told him, he accused me of it being someone else’s. There was no one else. He then put the wheels in motion of moving… out of state. He didn’t want me or the baby. I ended up losing the baby before he moved.

It was such a slap in the face, the rejection i felt, the betrayal… the abandonment. i pined for that man for a number of years, always wondering the “what ifs”. i did run into him over and over through the years, he had moved back not too long after he had left. Again over 10 yrs ago, and we had talked. We had little fling. i was miserable and i did alot of soul searching and i walked away from him. i realized he would never value who i was, what i had to offer, the love i had to give. i walked.

i can honestly say i have no feelings left for him, except maybe sadness. i truly think this is the source of all my insecurity and abandonment issues. Daddy has reassured me over and over that He isn’t going anywhere, that i am the love of His life, that He has never had such a bond with someone. Oh the baggage we carry with us through the years… it is time to lighten my load and believe in and trust in Daddy’s words, not just His words but His actions. He has been living here for a year, and He has been my biggest fan since the day we started talking… which is 4 years ago next week.

i love You Daddy and i will do my best to be a good girl for You.

Your babygirl
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