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June 2008
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About Me

my name is essence Master gave me this name when We first started exploring together i was not always a submissive woman or should i say i did not discover this side of me until i met the most wonderful Man i know. We met online almost 4 years ago i knew little of the D/s lifestyle We were first friends, talking for months… to meeting in real… becoming lovers. We've been living together for almost a year now.  i call Him Daddy.

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Diary of a Daddy’s girl

Master calls me essence… for i am the essence of His love… and He is the essence of my being…

Archive for June, 2008

06 28th, 2008

i’ve been feeling lost, so these are just my ramblings… i don’t know if they will make sense and i will probably be jumping all over the place.

Sometimes i feel so much responsibility on my shoulders, it stresses me out. i have 3 children that i run about for, and i have been trying to start my own business in my field. It started out great but then became very slow, the economy is not helping one bit, but this week popped for me. (i hope it continues) The daily chores of the house have fallen behind. i am feeling the squeeze financially and it always stresses me out more than usual. i’ve put on a few pounds over the winter, 15 to be exact. i don’t feel sexy very often. i feel depressed and scared. Maybe that is why i woke up crying that night. It’s not been easy for me to talk about it either, and really i know i can talk to Daddy about anything and everything, but i hold it in.

To be honest, i’ve not behaved very well lately and i am ashamed. For some reason, not sure what brought it on but feelings of insecurity have surfaced. Really, i have no reason to feel that way. Trust… trust… something that has not been easy for me to give in past … and it seems lately i am struggling. It’s not that i don’t want to trust… i do… so very much. Letting go of past pain is so hard and clouds your mind. i need to cleanse my mind i think. i need to feel grateful for the things i do have and not focus so much on the negative thoughts of how things are going. i am allowing the outside influences of the world (stresses of day to day living) cloud all that is really good in my life.

my Daddy loves me more than anyone has ever loved me before, of all the people in my life, next to my mother, He is definitely on my side… and yet i keep thinking one day He is going to think He wants out of this… this mess … because that is how i have been feeling. i’m not bringing in the income i know that i have the potential to bring in but as i said previously my field of work is taking a hit from the economy. i go to school, get a degree and now i feel like i am drowning. Do i need to get a different job and give up this quest of having my own business? i really don’t know what to do… i feel lost and confused.

my submission is not where it should be either, i seem to be struggling there as well. It’s not always easy taking care of 3 children who make demands on you, work in the field that i do (taking care of others) and i feel like i am not taking care of my Daddy as i should be…. that i am failing and that He will look for someone who can take care of Him the way He needs. So i am not trusting in the love that we have… that just hit me just now. i feel ashamed for thinking that… Us… who would have people look at us, as we are so lost in one another… The couple that a man approached at a restaurant and says to us “He handles you well… You can tell He loves you very much.” i want that couple back, but really that couple is right here. That couple has not gone anywhere… its the day to day stresses that cloud over that couple… but then it’s only me that allows there to be a cloud. i can’t seem to see through that cloud somedays…

i am lost.

06 12th, 2008

i hadn’t had one in a long time, but last night, i was beat, crawling into bed while Daddy was watching the news. i drifted off to sleep, i remember Him curling up to my back, cupping my breast, rubbing my bottom. Next thing i remember is Daddy holding me, softly shaking me … saying my name… are you ok? Apparently i had a bad dream, one that was making me twitch, one that was making me gasp, like i was afraid or drowning… Daddy said.

i remember Him talking to me and i was looking around, not sure where i was for a moment, my face was wet, i had been crying in my sleep. Daddy talking to me pulling me to Him, “baby baby… you scared Me.. what were you dreaming?” i remember looking about and everytime He asked something all i could say was “What?” “huh?” He said it seemed like i was struggling, i was scared, my breathing became gasping like, tears silently running down my face. i felt scared, i felt lost. i don’t know what i was dreaming, so i don’t know what brought all this on.

He held me… tears flowed and then i began to cry hard. “i miss my mom” It just came out, and it’s so true, i miss her. Was i dreaming of her? She was on my mind yesterday, it’s approaching her “angel day”, last days of seeing of her. Reminders are out, the flowers, the trees.

Daddy holds me, lets me cry. Shushing me, wiping my tears… telling me He loves me. Then He asks “Are you afraid I’m going to leave you?” i meekly say “Yes, there are times i think about it.” He gently asks “Do you think about Me dying?” my mind races, because yes, yes i do think of this. Daddy is older than me and i have lost some very significant people in my life in death.

i whisper “yes i do.”

He holds me close, “baby, I have no intentions of leaving you, I plan on living a long time with you, everyone dies, I don’t plan on dying. No one wants to, I could die tomorrow but you hang on to all the wonderful memories of Us.”

He kisses me, telling me He loves me. Calling me by my pet name that only He calls me.

“baby I’m gonna go watch some tv, My mind needs to wind down.” He’s been working so hard on a new project.

“Can i lay on the couch with You? i still feel scared and i don’t want to be alone.”

“Of course.”

So i curl up to Daddy on the couch, His protective arm around me. i drift off to slumberland, this time peacefully.

i am protected, i am safe… but mostly i am loved more than i ever thought possible.

Afterall… doesn’t every lil girl need her Daddy… i know i do.

So it would seem

Author: essence
06 8th, 2008

i haven’t posted here in awhile. Sorry about that. Life has been busy and yet life has been slow in other areas! Daddy & i are doing great. Of course there are always bumps in the road but we are very much in love. i was just saying to Him this morning as i laid in His arms… “There is nothing like falling into bed with the Man you love, having Him wrap His arms around you, holding you all night… i have never felt so loved, so protected and so safe.”

i told Daddy i need to start posting again. He agrees. This week we are without children, my break this month… whew! Last night was spent on reconnecting without children here. i love role-playing with Daddy, i love being His naughty lil girl who He uses up. i love surrendering to Him, not always easy with children around. Last night He took me, used me up and left me breathless…. tonight… mmmmmmm i’m hoping He’ll do it some more… i might just have to dress up for Him… smiles